Want a bestseller? Put a 'thing' in it

I think I'd rather have people find a cure for cancer, or figure out if Mars will be inhabitable one day for our species ... but some are spending considerable effort, and time, to produce books like The Bestseller Code: Anatomy of the Blockbuster Novel by Jodie Archer and Matthew L. Jockers.

This book appeared way back in the prepandemic days and I'm just getting to it (I found a remainder copy recently): I've been spending most of my free time these days on … what else? Writing (and going through some old issues of the TLS that have been piling up: for me, it’s the literary equivalent of binge-watching shows on Netflix, I guess.)

Let me save you some money on this book and offer a few conclusions about its argument:

1. Big sellers use the word "thing" (the code book applied some kind of algorithm to figure this out)

2. Intimacy sells but explicit sex doesn't

3. Create appealing, pro-active characters

4. Writing a book is hard

I’m not sure who the actual customer/audience is going to be for this book — the same group, I wonder, who are interested in getting real estate licenses? Taking a formulaic approach to writing is something that sends a chill down my spine. I can't imagine applying a formula or crunching the number of times I'm using the word "thing" in order to know if my work is good or not.

The other issue I have with books like this one—which promise a "this is how it's done" approach—is that they offer a hindsight view: the minute something new comes along that is totally different, this book’s argument will collapse.

It all comes down to a single question: Why do we write?

We write because we want to communicate with others and ourselves--and I've been lucky in this blogosphere to encounter some wonderful folks--and the creation of a bestseller shouldn't be the principle guiding you. (If you happen to create one, that’s wonderful of course.)

Following a “code” will turn the whole process of writing into a painful exercise instead of a joyful one, and you'd be better off doing something else instead.  Like curing cancer, or looking for life on Mars.

Onwards, my friends.

A Literary Career With An Arc Like a Tom Brady Touchdown Pass

Writing's a long game (well, that's my experience as I continue the search for an agent for my novel), and Nicholas Delbanco's an excellent guide for explaining some of the reasons why.

He’s been there for me as a colleague and mentor … and now, in his recent book, he can be a colleague and mentor to other writers as well. I recently wrote about this book and why I appreciate it so much in the digital pages of the Los Angeles Review of Books.

Read the LARB review here.

If you're in a similar position as myself, I hope that my piece -- and the book that inspired it -- resonate for you in a way that's helpful.

Ever onward, my friends. If writing is your passion, as it is mine, don’t give up.

Novelist, colleague and mentor to many: Nicholas Delbanco

Haunted by Ghostwriting: Richard Flanagan

Truly, ghostwriting is a gift. An ability to inhabit another’s voice and speak as if it were your own.

The fact that the little word “ghost” is attached at the front doesn’t change one fact: This is real writing. Difficult writing. Just like any writing.

When it works best (as in Andre Agassi’s memoir written with the help of JR Moehringer), there are no signs of it. The text feels composed by the autobiographer/memoirist alone. When it doesn’t work so well, as in Richard Flanagan’s case (described in his book First Person), it sounds more like a demonic possession.

There are writers whose best gift is to edit others … there are writers whose best gift is to ghostwrite for others … there are writers whose best gift is their own writing.

Flanagan fits into this last category, obviously, but it is interesting with First Person to realize that, in his early days, the creator of Gould’s Book of Fish and The Narrow Road to the Deep North went down the road of ghostwriting because he desperately needed money.

The book isn't a memoir but, according to various media outlets, a fiction with heaping doses of Flanagan's biography in it.

I met Flanagan years ago after the publication of the novel The Unknown Terrorist, and I had no idea about this part of his life.  He came to L.A. for our big annual book event, and we sat in the corner of the author green room and drank beer smuggled in by his amazing publicist.

I wish I'd known.  I would have asked him how you work with non-writers on their books.  That requires a different muscle--something I've learned to exercise for my own manuscript editing business.  More here.

For Flanagan, based on what First Person gives us, it sounds like the experience was an absolute nightmare.  For $10,000, he was asked to help produce the memoir of a man who was a trickster and shape-shifter.  In light of Flanagan's oeuvre, which often tackles larger-than-life characters with dubious ties to the truth, that experience was obviously beneficial.  Formative, probably.

But for a guy who just wants to feed his family and get on with his own work?  I just can't imagine dealing with that.

I admire practitioners of the ghostwriting trade ... and if you're considering that route, I recommend reading one of Flanagan's other books first.  (That makes sense, doesn't it?) You will learn so much if you do.

Onward, my friends.

The Artful Writing of Trader Joe's Fearless Flyer (I'm not kidding)

I don't know who's behind Trader Joe's Fearless Flyer, the Victoriana-inspired promo newspaper at the Trader Joe's checkout counter, but I would like to thank her ... him ... them.

Whoever is behind it knows a thing or two (and more than that) about how to balance the facts with a conversational tone that, sadly, is missing in so much social media writing today.

(Hey wait, am I inadvertently including myself in that judgment? Shoot, I am ... ok, fine.)

The Fearless Flyer offers plenty of punny, alliterative phrases ("boosting our cache of mash this season is Mashed Cauliflower..." "expert de-stringers declare that you can have seamless green beans in a snap") but look even closer than that.

The Flyer also delivers lore and history with an entertaining, encyclopedic, economical style that many writers can't do:

On asparagus--

Like participants in a regional game of Telephone, rural Englanders in the early 20th century mislabeled it "sparrow grass."  We're not exactly sure how they understood the bird connection, but asparagus stalks clearly imitate grass with their slender, green shoots.  No matter what it's been called throughout its extensive history (going back to at least ancient Egypt) it's undoubtedly been loved for its clean, bright flavor...

Sure, most people can tell gripping stories about cancer diagnoses or drug addiction, but asparagus?  Or maple roasted sweet potatoes?

Or this, about egg nog--

Long ago, people sipped their nog from a noggin ("nog" being a strong ale; noggin being a small drinking cup made from a hollowed-out, knotty outgrowth of a tree trunk).

Geez!  Did you know that?  I didn't know that!  I learned so much in just 30 words!

Or how about this bit of English lore that segues into a pie mix:

In English folklore, brownies are mythical spirits -- also called pixies -- that are said to live in attics or walls, and aid with household chores in secret.  With its ease of use, and the impressive results it achieves with minimal effort, we thought it only fitting to name Trader Joe's Sweet Potato & Marshmallow Pixie Pie Mix in honor of these hidden helpers.

That is really nice.

Sometimes, when you're writing an opening like this (in the newspaper biz), it can sound like too much of a stretch -- that you're trying too hard.  (I've done that ... and then my editor reduced my intricate, precious lead sentences to a simple subject-predicate format.)

That isn't true here:  The execution is light and easy like that pie mix (wow, the Flyer's style is infectious).

I suspect there's a former journalist lurking behind these unsigned works.  It takes years to develop a voice like this.  The tone of the Fearless Flyer is so consistent throughout that I feel it must be the work of just one person.  Or else there must be a single uber-editor going through these entries and giving them a thorough buff and polish to keep things uniform.

My point, my beloveds, is that the best writing isn't to be found in the usual places.  There are lessons to be found everywhere.

One of the simplest lessons is this:  the purpose of your writing shouldn't be New York Times bestseller-dom alone -- it should give you joy and bring joy to the people who find you, too.

The person(s) behind Trader Joe's Fearless Flyer obviously understand(s) that.

Onward, friends.

Ukraine's Complicated Roots, or, How to Almost Get Kicked Out of a Monastery

CAVE MONASTERY PASSAGEWAY: I’m kind of surprised to see this picture, supplied by Green Tours. The monk who wouldn’t let me in made it pretty clear that I’d get blasted by lightning bolts if I dared to take a photo. (Photo credit: https://greentourua.com/kiev-pechersk-lavra-ancient-cave-monastery/)

“[M]odern Ukraine is entirely the product of the Soviet era,” writes the Butcher of the Kremlin in his 2021 essay “On the Historical Unity of Russians and Ukrainians.” “We know and remember well that it was shaped—for a significant part—on the lands of historical Russia.”

Putin’s 5,000-word pile of horse shit argues that Ukrainians are just people who forgot they were Russian. He used it as one of many reasons for invading Ukraine.

I’m no scholar of Slavic history, but I know nonsense when I see it. Putin makes all kinds of claims connected with ancient Slavic history that are wrong. I went to my Dutton paperback Medieval Russia’s Epics, Chronicles, and Tales to see why someone with a hard-on for Russian imperialism would misunderstand the Slavic past.

The common heritage of many Slavs—especially the Ukrainians, Belarusians, and Russians—is an ancient kingdom called Kievan Rus, which once covered a massive part of present-day Eastern Europe. The book is a brilliant collection of pieces dating from the rise of Kievan Rus, and the old chronicles included in this book—like “The Lay of Igor’s Campaign”—unfortunately use “Russian” to describe the lands and peoples covered by this kingdom. Vlad the Simpleton probably thinks this term means the same thing as Russia today. It doesn’t.

Culture’s a complicated thing. The historical pressures and conflicts that create a people’s identity can’t be dismissed or trivialized, which Putin does repeatedly in his essay.

GOOD BUT MISLEADING: A great compendium of ancient chronicles, but you’ve got to remember that “Russian lands” doesn’t mean the same thing as Russia now.

Nothing’s ever taught me more about the complicated ancient heritage of the Slavs than visiting the Monastery of the Caves in Kiev. There’s a system of underground cells in which monks have lain in a mummified sleep for a thousand years. It dates to the Kievan Rus period, and it is breathtaking.

A young Russian Orthodox monk at the entrance was clearly pissed off when I walked up in a t-shirt and shorts. You don’t dress like a Disneyland tourist to enter the cradle of Slavic spirituality. Plus I’m a Roman Catholic and he really didn’t like that.

How did he know? He saw me kissing my little brown scapular in front of a painting of the Virgin Mary before he barred my way. He looked over at my father and Alexi, a retired Soviet Army officer who was hosting us, and complained.

“He’s not a member of the true faith! People like him are not welcome here!”

Alexi wanted me to see the sleeping monks, and he acted very fast. A first-class bullshitter, he told the monk that he and my father were were trying to show me the error of my ways, and that I’d come on a pilgrimage to join Russian Orthodox Christianity. Alexi really poured it on, and the monk—who was in his early 20s and had a very light, downy beard—-was so surprised and confused that he actually let me pass.

If he’d known my father was Greek Catholic and Alexi belonged to the Autocephalous Ukrainian Orthodox Church, he would have lost his mind. The Russian Orthodox hate both (you’ll have to look up the reasons why yourself)—and the feeling is pretty mutual. It doesn’t matter what Putin argues—everyone has a separate claim to heritage like this. I had a visceral experience of it the minute the monk started scolding me.

It was cold down in the underground cells. I wished I’d worn long pants and a shirt with long sleeves. But I forgot about all that when I saw those mummy monks, waiting for Jesus to return and wake them. I hope a Russian missile doesn’t beat Him to it.

#freeukraine #Putinisawarcriminal